I have long thought about my purpose in life. As humans is it something we constantly think about, whether it is a conscious thought process or not. Given that you know I am someone who thinks about my own life way too much and probably more than is healthy, the fact I think about something like this shouldn't be too much of a shock. Nor should my next statement.
A long time ago I decided that my purpose in life was to serve others. In observing my life and my interactions with other people, I have found that I am happiest when I serve others. When I can do something for someone else and make them happy. This serving can come in any number of ways, but it's definitely a common theme in my life. Being used. Being another person's toy. Being another person's outlet for their anger, their lust, their happiness, their need for physical comfort and expression. I crave it like I crave air.
When I'm in that headspace where I'm serving another, I only exist for them. I don't need to worry about my own life or worry about my own needs. I exist to serve them. It's probably an outgrowth of my naturally submissive tendencies. In being submissive I find happiness. In serving I find a similar happiness. I guess you could say I find happiness in service-oriented submission. It's a kink I have listed under my "curious about" section of my Fetlife.com profile but the more I think about it, it's not a kink. It's a calling. Can that really be defined as kink? I'm not sure about that.
Lately I've been feeling very restless. Very unfulfilled and unsettled. Ever since my breakup with V & J I have no urge to do anything except lay in bed and watch cartoons. I've been slacking on writing reviews that are on my to-do list. I haven't wanted to socialize much with my friends at school. I've been in a slump. The worst part was I couldn't figure out where this slump came from. This general attitude that was pretty much affecting every aspect of my life. Hell, I'm in my third week of classes here at school and have done next to no homework in comparison to where I usually am at this point in every other semester so far. Not exactly the most productive use of my time by any means.
This morning the thought occurred to me that the reason I'm feeling unfulfilled is that I don't have anybody to serve. I don't have that person at the moment that I can make happy. Sure, there is the fleeting person here and there, but there is no constant in my life. There are a few that have shown interest, but I have yet to get to that deep emotional connection level I had with them. The point where just knowing I am with them makes me fulfilled. It is an interesting conundrum and one I don't see being fixed for quite some time. That fact alone doesn't exactly make me feel hopeful, but it's a fact of the situation. I can't really fix it. Okay, yeah I could. I could go out and connect myself with someone who I could make happy and serve. But it wouldn't make me. It wouldn't provide me the emotional health I felt with V & J.
I'm working on it. I'm on the hunt. It's a lot like interviewing people for an open job. You have to interview a lot of unfit candidates before you find the perfect one for the job. There's a lot of people out there who would be happy if I served them. But how many of them would make me happy in return? One sided happiness is no kind of happiness at all for me. It's not what I want and not what I'm looking for.
I think until I find that right situation for me, I'll always feel this restlessness.
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