A Revelation and an Announcement

I've decided I don't want to date for awhile. I don't even want to play or snuggle with anybody either. There will be no sex in this champagne room.

Why would I want to do something stupid like that?

Because it hit me as my last date left my apartment that I deserve better. Not because I'm all that or I'm perfect or great, but because I owe it to myself. I was so desperate for human companionship that I sank to a level where I was begging for it. No woman should ever have to beg for sex. Or cuddling. Or companionship. It should come naturally.

I need to take a step back and reevaluate what I want, what I am and where I want to be. I need to look at what I became and what happened when I gave into urges and desires that sent me on a path I'm not proud of going on.

Does this change my sex toy reviewing? No. Will this change my libido in any way? Probably not. What this will do is refocus my attention on me and working to make myself better before I can expect someone else to fix my problems. There's a lot that's wrong with me and my thought process. I jump into things and do and say thing without thinking. It's time for my lawyerly training to be put to good use and use my brain and not my pussy.

I think for all intense and purposes, I have just taken a vow of celibacy. The only person fucking me is going to be me. The only person in my bed is going to be my stuffed animals and me. I'll probably be lonely, but I know I have real, true friends to get me through it.

So when will this period of chastity end, you ask? When I know in my gut the time's right.

On Monogamy and Myself

Lately I've been realizing something rather surprising about myself. For years I thought I was the most monogamous person I knew. I craved being in a relationship. I craved the security and the companionship. The love and knowledge that there was one person focusing on me as much as I was focusing on them.

It's taken events both started by me and started by situations beyond my control for me to realize perhaps I had that wrong. I am beginning to doubt that I am a ubiquitously monogamous person. While I'm not saying I am poly yet, I do think there is a place for that kind of exploration and enjoyment in my life.

Perhaps it's the attention whore side of me but I like when there are multiple people vying for my attention. I like being involved (whether platonically or romantically) with multiple people. I think for the moment I am what a good friend has termed "polyfuckerous." I like to fuck multiple people. I like having options and I like having different cocks inside me. Strange thing to say, but everybody is different. Every guy has a different method of romancing a woman.

I'm still exploring this side of me and certainly still learning about how to make it work in a practical setting where all involved don't get hurt. Where I don't get hurt. As a good friend told me, "protect your heart." I'm going to have to learn to build those walls again that took me so long to get rid of. Placing people into categories and in boxes knowing how much or how little they can be to me.

Much like everything else in life, this is a learning experience. One that I think will take many years until I find the right balance of right, wrong and the fun gray in between.

On growing (wiser not taller!)

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