Wanted: One Sex Drive. Reward For Its Return

I have a dirty little secret. One I'm not ashamed to admit, but one I'm very frustrated with.

I have zero sex drive. None. Flat lined. Someone bring in the paddles cause we have a code blue here. Zippo. Nada.

The last few weeks if I've masturbated once or twice a week that's a lot. Hell, there was awhile there where I couldn't even remember the last time I masturbated.

What the heck happened? Personally, I blame it on stress. As the end of the year approaches, there's about a billion things going on for me. First and foremost I have finals. I'm not talking average, run of the mill college finals. I'm talking law school finals. Soul-crushing, mind-numbing, pain-inducing finals. Yeah, not exactly looking forward to that. I compared them to "up the butt with no lube" to a friend and I'm pretty sure the image was ... uh ... imaginative for her. I forgot she isn't the same kind of kinky player I am. She giggled to me one time when her boyfriend held her down during sex. I rolled my eyes privately but encouraged her to do what felt good, regardless of what seemed "right" or "wrong."

Another factor that I suspect is playing a large part is S.A.D. or Seasonal Affective Disorder. It makes you ... well, sad. Having gone off my depression meds, I'm much more apt to find myself down lately, but that being said the side effects of the meds aren't worth the down feelings I may get every now and then. That's a whole 'nother story in and of itself. I love the change in the weather from cool fall nights to cold winter nights, but it's that change that does something to my moods. Makes me cranky, moody, irritable. I'm doing my best to work through it in a natural way, hoping that once we finally pick a season my moods will stabilize and maybe my sex drive will return.

And the worst part? Masturbating and orgasms makes me feel less stressed out. The lack of drive to do it is only perpetuating the cycle. No urge to masturbate because of stress means crankier means more stressed means even less urge to masturbate.

So if you're out and about this season of sharing and caring and happen to find a lonely sex drive of a kinky girl hanging around, send it my way. I need it back please. A reward will be paid to the finder.

So I just ... I don't know. I'm feeling horribly blah lately. I'm having trouble finding motivation to do anything. Nothing excites me. I miss people I shouldn't. Things don't feel the same as they did six months ago. Realistically I know my life is bound to change throughout time, but I'm just kind of in one of those moods where I want things to be how they use to be. From what time I'm not exactly sure. I hate feeling like this. I feel like I've lost my spark for most everything in my life. It's bumming me out.

I feel like people are ignoring me. Not in a conscious way perhaps, but nonetheless ignoring me. Everybody is so damn busy and they have legitimate things that they are doing that don't include me. Maybe I'm just so egocentric that I want everybody to pay attention to me. It's a horrible thing to admit to - being self-centered. But I think in a way I am very self-centered. I think it's part of my exhibitionism. Well, that and probably growing up as pretty much an only child. I was so used to having all the attention on me that I don't handle it well when I don't get attention now. I just feel like I'm blending into the wall and I'm trying my best to stand out and get people to pay attention me for nothing to come out of it. All I feel is that I'm pestering people now when I ask them to do stuff, talk or hangout, etc. I hate feeling like I'm pestering people too. Maybe I need some new friends, people who are more apt to be available. I guess that's just the point we are all at in our lives. We're all leading very busy lives and it's hard to stay in touch the way I might like to stay in touch.

I struggle with being lonely so much. It's a daily battle for me not to be lonely. In a lot of ways it is very contradictory to being independent and wanting my space, but I'm a very clingly and needy person. Terrible personality traits in most people unfortunately.

Sigh. Maybe I need to pick up a new hobby. Maybe I need new friends. Maybe I need to just get the fuck over it and stop being emo.